Farewell Stevens Point
Will Rossmiller
wross460@uwsp.edu - Twitter @willrossmiller

[SATIRE]


Dear students and staff at the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point:

It is with great sadness that I inform you all that I will be foregoing my senior year of eligibility to enter the 2013 NFL Draft.

I feel confident that I will get drafted, even with my limited experience playing football. I only played my senior year of high school, but I feel like my talent is at a high enough level that I can compete with the best of the best. UWSP Football Coach Tom Journell acted confused when asked about my intent to pursue my dream.

“Who are we even talking about?” Journell said. “I don’t even know Will Rossmiller. I don’t think we can really miss a player that’s leaving if they never actually played on the team. Best of luck to the kid, but there is no way he gets drafted.”

ESPN draft expert Mel Kiper gave me a 0 on the 0 to 100 scale that he uses to grade draft prospects, the lowest grade ever given to a prospect.

“Will Rossmiller may be the worst prospect to ever actually enter the draft,” Kiper said. “He would be lucky to not get picked last in a pick-up football game, let alone get drafted. If a team selects him, it would be the biggest shock in NFL draft history.”

But I won’t let these testimonies get me down. I think that my numbers, accomplishments and intangibles speak for themselves. In high school I played tight end, amassing a total of one catch for negative seven yards. I do hold the record at Wausau East High School as the all-time leader in least receiving yards in a career.

My height and weight may not be ideal for the position of tight end at the NFL level, as I am only 5 feet 11 inches and weigh only 155 pounds. The average NFL tight end is 6-foot-3- inches and 240 pounds. I will make the move to wide receiver and try my luck there.

Surprisingly, I wasn’t invited to the NFL draft prospect combine. Instead I scheduled my own pro day, held in the UWSP weight room. I posted my lifting numbers and finished my other measurables in the Multi Activity Center. The crowd was sparse for my workout, as only my agent Gus Merwin and a couple of custodians were present.

I was able to put up 100 pounds in the bench press five times. In comparison, the most reps by a receiver in the NFL combine this year was 26 reps of 225 pounds. My 40-yard dash time may also leave something to be desired. This year’s top time for a receiver at the combine was 4.27 seconds. I was able to run it just a second slower, with a time of 5.27 s

Vertical leap is also a key measurable at the combine. I also attempted it at my pro day. The top NFL prospect was able to jump 39.5 inches at the combine. My vertical leap was 12 inches.

I’m confident that some team could find use for me. I may not have traditional talents, but I could always help a team. I can be great at carrying water bottles to players, and I also would help with players’ confidence when they see how bad they could be.

If any teams would like to contact me about possibly coming in to show off my talents, please contact my agent Gus Merwin. You can reach him at his email, amarc543@uwsp.edu.